Returning to Hashem

The more I am studying, the more I am learning about myself. My neshama feels connected to Hashem more. If you would have asked me 5 or 10 years ago do I see myself becoming religious I would have said no. Today if you ask me if would choose another lifestyle I would say no too. Today I feel like my Emunah is all in Hashem's hands. I belong to him and I am a part of his creation.Let’s take a look back a couple of years now.  I was married to a man who wasn't a jew. I gave up everything I had ever known. My family, my friends, my community, and the holidays. From celebrating Hanukkah to celebrating Christmas, from celebrating Passover to eating mixed foods, from Shabbat dinners with family to Shabbat parties. This was one of the biggest mistakes. Everything Hashem had given me I threw away. Or so that is how I see it from my perspective. 

Let’s go to our Parsha Noach for example. G-d wants us to love him and to connect to him. Before Hashem destroyed the world he told Noach to tell everyone to do teshuva and no one listened to him. Hashem gave us a chance to do teshuva and we didn't. He gave us 120 years. It's the same concept! I am repenting for all the pain I have caused everyone, pain to my own soul, but more importantly my creator. 

Today I am a person that I don't even recognize and it frightens me. I see that with Torah my life has gone in a better direction. My kids go to a religious school and teach me, and my mother became shomer Shabbat with me and reads Tehillim every day. I now understand the meaning of Judaism by learning every single day. I used to look at everything so negatively. I would ask questions. Why would G-D let me get married the second time and screw me over? Why would he hurt me? Today I regret asking those questions because everything that happens is truly for a reason and from above. I should’ve never asked these questions because Hashem knows what he is doing.  I got married the second time around for a reason. At the moment I did not know it but today I have found my answer. It’s to bring a beautiful soul to this earth, and from her, my daughter will keep Judaism going and alive.  She came so I can teach her and never stop growing. Hashem sent me a daughter because every time my boys went to their dad's house I was always home alone, in my head, stressed, and my heart pounding full of anxiety and depression. To think I was going to terminate Hashem's creation. Take away what Hashem has given me. That day Hashem sent two beautiful angels to my house to stop me from my decision. I remember one of them saying such beautiful and powerful words of wisdom every time I tell this story. Her beautiful tone, she said to me “who are you to take away a soul? To take a life? What if Hashem punishes you and takes away one of your boys?” Her words hit me. That same night I went to bed and had a dream about my termination. The next morning I woke up and never went to my appointment. 

Today I am the best version of myself because I am doing Teshuva. Today my anxiety only hits once in a blue moon and my depression doesn't live with me every day. We all have a past. But with teshuva and Torah and Hashem by our side life is so beautiful. Emunah is all you need. Baruch Hashem I have an amazing home filled with laughter of kids, a safe environment for all of us, an amazing job with 2 degrees in my pocket, a roof over our head, an amazing family and amazing parents, a support system and great friends who push me to grow and it's all from Hashem. Without him, we are no one but lost souls.